15 october 2023.
listening to five by breakwater.
i go into hospital tomorrow, technically. at least i think i do. its midnight right now, just ticked over from the 14th. yesterday i had a dream her friends told me we would reconnect. i woke up heading straight to my phone.
it really fucking hurt. i could feel the aura of the time we had spent together, it was so nice, it's been so long. im very concerned about a bpd diagnosis. id really really really like it to be something else.
ive been reading online, that label seems to be a social death sentence. she keeps appearing on my hinge and its driving me crazy. shes right there, i could so easily say something.
im proud that i dont. had to vote today. everyone in my family are being really annoying right now, as if they all must coddle me when they never have before. its so uncomfortable and suffocating.
id rather they leave me alone. but i guess its my fault. i let slip that i carved my arm to my dad, so their worry is understable, considering not one of them knows what its like.
listened to bladee for the first time in a while. yung lean verse came on. it felt weird not having an argument about how much his verse sucks. all the time i have things to say and send to her.
i forget how long its been, it feels like an eternity and as if it never really happened at the same time. i still wonder why we split in the first place. i still crave an answer i was always to afraid to ask.
its really hard to be honest to people because i feel like they wont take me seriously if its about a girl. so i attribute it to other things. i wonder what they will teach me in hospital.
"emotional dysregulation"


17 october 2023.
today was the first day of hospital.
it's awfully dull. they took away my charger so i had limited phone usage throughout the day, which was spent mostly waiting as i always do. i have come to understand i spend a lot of my life waiting for things,
rather than taking initiative, under the assumption that if i were to take initiative i may overindulge. not long after my first post did i split my arm open during an episode. i admit it was an active choice.
i need to get better at controlling myself and not allowing myself to be controlled by the allure of manipulation. i will break this learnt behaviour. i reflected on some old messages and realised just how warped my reality was,
so often was i passive aggressive or rude, because i was to cowardly to ask for a real conversation. they got me on the roches now. up to 15mg throughout the day. on one now.
thinking about how beautiful my experiences can be. and the love i am able to give and receive. i must let her go into the wind, perhaps she may blow back, but this is all irrelevant and in the future.
now i work on myself so i never have to go through these things again.
i want love so bad. and who better to give it than me.


20 october 2023.
hospital day 3
listening to the air conditioner blast along.
and i was doing so well.
a phrase which i believe would sit so neatly underneath my own emblem. my sleep pattern has been thoroughly dashed and disposed of and i lay wired tapping at my phone in hopes of further fatigue.
lying in the dark, closing my eyes, frustrated. that i'm not yet asleep, when i had had such a wonderful pattern. and frustrated still that this vulnerable position has opened so many thoughts id kept at bay.
and i was doing so well. i visited a synagogue she had boasted of that happened to be nearby. it really was beautiful, even in the blinding daylight. i thought i was proud. that i could visit this landmark and move on unperturbed by memories.
but now i feel so wrong. and i was doing so well. to think positive and remind myself of the reality of the world and all these things, and receiving praise of my insight in turn. but it feels so meaningless.
it feels so empty. like bootlickers and yes men. it's not enough. it's not enough to substitute the adoration i crave. it's not enough to forget the worth i had finally been given.
i replay the same phrase over and over in my mind "why did you have to make this so uncomfortable".
i'm not even sure that's correct. it may have been a statement, not a question. but that was the unwitting loss of the anchor in this storm. who never wanted to be an anchor anyway.
it feels like whatever narrative i paint, i will be proved wrong. and it feels impossible to not paint a narrative, try as i might; always brushing away. my magnum opus. faded in a few years.
overwritten by a new love, which is to say obsession, dependency. inevitable grief.
meine liebster fräulein.
die ist nicht meine.
wirst du nicht sein so nett.
und verlesse mein herz.


22 october 2023.
hospital day 6
and suddenly, i felt like smiling. suddenly i felt like appreciating the world around me. i could stare out the window and my lips would curl at the view. i shone teeth. no drugs, no praise, no one. but myself.
and i did things today. and they were okay. and i didn't like my piece; my o felt strange, my t too small, my e... a complete afterthought.and yet, i thought of the experience. i think of the experience. and it was fun.
tomorrow i'm excited to get back to engaging. to get back to thinking, to tackling this monolith. i'm so excited of what i may be able to do. of what my life will be like. and less and less, do i feel like i need people.
and more and more, do i open my heart, fully.
i'm doing better. and i'll do better. and i'll take that risk. and i'll love that moment. and i'll understand true love. and it'll be so much fun.
i wanna live. i wanna take all the silly little things in my head and make them real. and i wanna do good. and be good.
i don't have to be perfect, i just have to have fun.
and all the little things grow
through my fingers and toes
and i forget to forget
and i get to get close
and it's all the little things
that make this life go
oh the places you'll go
the places you'll know


27 october 2023.
hospital day 11
listening to i jst wanna do everything by pat_16120
i'm over socialising. the people here are genuinely insufferable. high school dynamics, petty drama, lack of self responsibility. it's just tiresome to be socially anxious toward people i wouldn't give a fuck about in real life.
and i'm stuck with them. i've seen the ugliness of there little clique and it's so tiresome. the idea that any future help i get is dependent on outside resources is also lame as hell.
because i'm still stuck here, but i don't need to be. i don't need to be around these people. makes me miss her so much more. she was tolerable. she was enjoyable.
these people almost don't seem like they want to actively get better. they wallow in self deprecating humour and shaming others who suffer from things they can't understand. it's like a cult. it's so fucking ugly...
as i re-isolate myself i'm sure they'll talk shit. maybe. perhaps they won't think of me at all, which would be more beneficial for me then to put up with their bullshit. might get to meet someone new though.
someone with just enough in common for me to enjoy their company without craving it. just different enough for me to not feel any overwhelming attachment. they're not perfect for me, which atm seems perfect for me.
and there are nice folk amongst them. but its easier to just be on my own shit than force myself to adapt to dealing with shitheads.
forever a wallflower
offalcellar


interim.
"a letter for o**"
hi, i know it's been a considerable length of time and may seem absurd to hear from me, but i wanted to properly apologise for my behaviours from that time.
i deeply regret that my own distorted reality had come to negatively impact you, but also thank you for your strength in setting boundaries which helped me to understand my situation and seek the proper means of help.
i would like to reconnect if you would be interested, but i also understand that you may be uninterested in doing so. wherever this message may find you in life, just know you have had a sizeable impact on mine.
and i am forever grateful to have met you.

this letter was never sent.


29 october 2023.
hospital day 13
listening to cinderella by instupendo
saw my cousin today. it's so weird. i feel more like a normal person inside this hospital than i did on the outside. my confidence is slowly being restored, i find myself able to undertake tasks and errands on my own.
essentially with very little difficulty, but the unsure-dness remains. my cousin bought me a book of kafka stories. i like before the law the best. the girl i've had issues with slid an apology under my door,
but it felt backhanded and misinformed. unfortunately i was unable to catch her alone to have a proper conversation about what was going on. i'm interested in her perspective of what this is even about,
because i simply found her rude. i have a date on the 14th. she's pretty, but she doesn't have the flair. the o** flair. i wrote an apology to o**. it's... okay. i think it could be better. written apologies suck.
written apologies are with misconceptions and assumptions and poor interpretations of events, and are without tone or that genuine human touch. so that's hard. i also understand that i shouldn't give a fuck.
that o** is gone and will never come back. most likely. i wonder if she updates her dream journal. i wonder if she's dreamt of me.
i'm starting to see the impact others have on me. i have a long way to loving myself, without fragility or narcissism.
i think that's why i obsessed over o** so much. she was, in essence, the me i wanted to be.
the missing piece.

i feel somber. i feel sad. i should sleep.


13 november 2023.
post hospital
listening to the wait by summrs
the story comes to an end. it's really weird being back at my "home". it feels like less of a home than before. for somewhere i've been coming since a child, if my belongings were not here i would not belong here either.
almost instantly i've been having intrusive thoughts creep upon me. random flashbacks, situations engrained into my mind. things i had all but forgotten. i have a steady routine now. far from perfect, but better than before.
i have to keep my chin up, but i'm being reminded of why i felt so horrible to begin with. she's gone, and that's starting to weigh on me for the first time in a while. gone gone gone. potentially forever.
i'm not supposed to be this tethered, but it's just hard. it's just disappointing. i remember those moments, those indications. deafening actions of romantic infatuation, later rescinded and ignored.
that ungodly pivot in her heart. to better serve my fears. but i've things to look forward to now. and i'm gonna do those things. even if they're silly/stupid/no where near filling the hole she left. because why not.
it's my life, not just my relationship with o**.
id feed her my heart.
i'm just keeping it preserved til she eats.

offal cellar.


8 december 2023.
listening to idc by spira me
i just can't do it. time is not healing, time is not fading her. wholly in my memory, because i know when she was around i was happy. because i know when she was around i was better. it's sickening.
i look at a map and feel a sense of dread looking at certain spots. sometimes i feel as if i can't live in this city anymore... i can't believe i lasted my hospital stay without succumbing to the simple fact i was within her vicinity.
it's so lonely in my life, in my world. all i do is think of her. everyone in my life is worthless because they are not her. they do not have her touch or taste. everyone is beneath her, including myself.
tomorrow morning 3 random people will stay with my grandmother and i don't know if i can bare it. the intrusion they will have on my life is disgusting, and vile still the fact i will face such pain yet i will be left to toil in silence.
i can't take much more of this environment. i can't take much more of being hammered with expectations, being told not to accept reality because of some stupid misconception about what that means.
my life is restricted in chains. i'm being drowned by those that swear they care most for me.
all i think about is how i fucked everything up. how likely it is i will repeat my mistakes.
i live my life in an o**-less world.
will she remember me,
when she goes home?